Above: some young people in a car, yesterday.

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No wonder we're the most narcissistic, self-entitled generation ever: people just won't stop talking about #millennials.

Here's the latest new heap of shit that pokes and prods at the hapless, buried-in-sane #GenY #millennials who are so diverse, yet so easy to speak for—a new study from perpetually hip MTV, now the Voice Of Two Generations, saying that #millennials love driving and cars and "see car ownership as a way to craft their unique adult identity," which was an actual sentence spoken by an actual sentient human being with actual free will who makes more actual money than any #millennial ever will. "The study said 82 percent of #millennials find buying or leasing a new car 'exciting,'" in the same way they find paying for coffee with a Vine of a Macklemore concert exciting. It goes on. "The study found 87 percent of #millennials said they enjoyed customizing things to make them unique. The study found 72 percent would rather give up texting for a week than surrender their cars. The study found 72 percent of #millennials enjoy the smell of their own farts. The study found 102 percent of #millennials think Edward Snowden is a slang word for a new type of ecstasy. The study found 369 percent of #millennials would rather give up the use of their testicles than give up the chance to use #hashtags to search for #CocaColaLife coupons on #Ello."

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I get the same visceral, cringing reaction every time I see a study like this, with dubious data twisted and stretched and whored out to further some corporation's need to "tap into" the demographic whose "interaction" (read: predatory financing) it so desperately wants. For other generation has been analyzed or discussed like ours—not the Baby Boomers, not Gen X, not the Greatest Generation. We are a generation to be poked and prodded, studied like an uncontacted tribe, like animal experiments—give us brands and technology and connectivity and hashtags and we will return results on your research, points of data to be analyzed—there are spending habits to uncover! Targeted messages to curate! Advertising budgets to focus! Why rest now? There's money to be made—to be extracted—from all of our young, well-meaning types, the ones who took Fight Club to heart yet still go to IKEA for the convenience, and despite our kvetching about where the money comes from, our discretionary spending is still through the roof. Just the way it should be. Just the way they, whoever they might be, advertisers and product planners and marketers and #hashtag-slinging #socialmedia #disruptors want us—a generation of debtors, lab rats, commoditized, and ripe for the slaughter.

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Image via The Samba